Last night I bawled.
A full out cry-fest.
Was I feeling sorry for myself, or what?
I'd been grumpy with the kids. Was very tired, and it is a lot of work doing the whole swim lesson thing with them. But I managed, got home, scrambled up some eggs, and then set to cleaning up the kitchen a bit.
But I was tired. Sarah wanted me to read; I needed to clean. I grumped at her. Then I was sorry for it. I apologized, left some of my tasks, and then went in to read to her in the living room. I apologized for my behaviour and explained that I was especially tired. Crisis averted.
We read and I calmed down. Then James asked me for help with the magna doodle. He had been making shapes and calling them out. I had chuckled with the "guare, shirckle, and shriakle" attempts as he was "colouring". But now he wanted to use the magna-pen. So I got down on the floor and traced his hand for him. Then together we printed J A M E S above it. I asked what that said and he said "Jayyymesh".
What was that???
"Jaymesh".
Oh no! No! No, James no! You did not just say "James"!
He did. And then he did 5 more times, giggling everytime it tickled off his tongue. I was devestated. Pure, tragic, horrible, world-altering forever devestation!!!
My baby is gone. My baby who has always called himself "Beash", is gone. No longer "Beash", this "Jaymesh" is ready to take on the world. He is confidant and brash. He is strong and smart. He gets the step-stool from the bathroom, turns on the light, and then returns the stool to it's spot. He wore one pull-up all day yesterday. He wants to do up his "beat belt" himself. He knows his numbers and letters and colours and shapes. He wants to go on Sarah's school bus. He no longer calls his little friend "Bellbee" - it's now "Shelby" clear as a bell.
And he rides a trike like a real pro, and always wants to go "fasser, mom! Beash go fasser."
This morning, James seemed to be back to "Beash". But when I dropped him off this morning and told Kit the story, she nodded knowingly. She sang a song and at the end the child calls out his or her name: James said "Jaymesh."
I said, "well, I am going to my car now to have another cry."
I didn't, but I think I could have. It's not that he's growing. That is wonderful and magical. It's that it's happening SO FAST. Out of my control. They grow and we can't stop time, not for a minute. I try to capture the little moments, but days are so full. So much to do to care for two children and try to hold down a job at the same time. You wish some of the moments away because you're so tired. I almost did that last night by sending Sarah away with her book.
I am glad I slowed down. But my reward: My baby says his name.
Slow the world down, someone, won't you? I want to get off, and take my kids with me! Just for a couple of years!
Hug your kids, nieces, nephews, husbands, wives, friends, coworkers. Look at them. Tomorrow they will be somehow different. In most cases better. But different. Love them for who they are today.
And cherish the moments.
I love you all, good readers.
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